And In The Caverns of Tomorrow, With Just Our Flashlights And Our Love

It's autumn.  The trees are changing colors, the temperature has dropped, and I need to buy new tires.  I think this is the first year I've actually enjoyed summer and didn't want to see it end!  I really can't complain when the thermostat didn't read any higher than 80 degrees everyday.  And, if I remember correctly, we had only ONE chance of a tornado, and that was so early in the summer months, I almost forgot about it!

However much I don't want to see the summer end, this time of the year is always the best.  Apple cider, donuts, hot coffee in the morning, chili and corn bread muffins for dinner... I could go on.  Being inside of a cozy home with lots of cinnamon scented candles burning while sitting under a fuzzy blanket reading a book.  THAT is the best.  Sure, being outside at night and not getting chilled is great.  Not having to wear a jacket when heading out is nice.  And not having to warm up your car 15 minutes before leaving for work is wonderful.  But, I love the cool temperature and having to prepare for the days weather.  I love the changing seasons!!!

Besides all of that, I'm going in to Delta today to talk about returning to school...for the millionth time.  I have big plans for my future, and I don't want to have to wait anymore.  Lee told me about a possible option called "Fresh Start" that I'm going to discuss with counceler.  I will qualify for financial aid this winter semester, as I am no longer "dependent" on my parents income after 23 years old.  I'M VERY EXCITED!!!

So, off I go.  Shower, here I come. 

I've been feeling sorry for my self as of late and haven't really had the heart to tell anyone.  With the weather getting nice and spending more time with new friends and my family, there should really be very little that gets me down.  It seems that I start thinking more about myself and my downfalls when I meet new people or get together with family.  It's weird and I hate it.

I've smoked more cigarettes this week than I can ever remember smoking.  I suppose that is what over-thinking and having a few drinks will do to a person.

Don't get me wrong, I have had a good week.  With all of the bonfires, hanging out with my neighbors, getting to spend some time with Lee, and getting to hang out with my mom, it's hard for it to be crummy.  It's just that when it's late and Lee is finishing up his night shift at Mosquito Control, I start thinking about things.  He works so hard for everything he has, I do too for that matter, but he really EARNS it.  And I'm terrified that one day he'll wake up and realize that he's made for so much more, so many new adventures, without me.  I've confided in him my fears that I'm only holding him back from his dreams and he's reassured me otherwise, however I just can't help thinking of it from time to time.

I have dreams that come and go.  Artist, teacher, business owner, etc, etc.  None of which I ever follow through on.  It isn't like I was brought up to be a quitter.  And I know I'm not.  It's just that my interests seem to fizzle after I realize the financial and emotional strains each takes.  I can't seem to stick with one thing long enough to accomplish it to even test out whether it's for me or not.  It's aggravating how little it seems that I care about my own future.  I'm an independent, hard working, unorganized 22 year old who doesn't have shit but stress about what my future holds.  It's bullshit.  I should be looking forward to the rest of my life but instead I'm terrified.

I think a lot about death.  Not of my own, but of the people I love.  I can't seem to stop thinking about the possibility of the people I love dying.  I know it happens.  No one lives forever.  I just don't know how I'm going to deal with it.  I don't know how people do.

I try to look at everything from a Christian point of view.  That one day I'll see them again.  And it will be for eternity.  I know this, I really truly believe it with all of my heart, I just don't want it to happen.  I don't want to have to live part of my life without people that are so important to me.

I'm jumping from one subject to another.  This is how my brain works.  I start at one small subject that is interesting to think about, to much more complex subjects that scare the living shit out of me.  I'm not sure why I go through these cycles.  It's like, one week I'll be fine and full of empty, whimsical thoughts, and the next I'm thinking about death and failure.

I suppose I'll go now, Lee should be home from work in a little while.

-Lindsay

After a long hiatus, I'm back.

It's getting to be summer time and I'm feeling a bit more productive.  Now that the sun is shining and birds are chirping, there is little that gets me down.  :-)

First and foremost, I want to write about Hazel, because she's sniffing around my coffee table right now eating popcorn kernals she's found from when Travis ate popcorn the other night.  Hazel is Lee and I's 9 month old, 70 lbs puppy.


She started out at this little girl in November the day we got her.


This is her now, sitting on top of me a couple weeks ago.

She's a giant and the even more clumsy than I am (if you can believe it).  She's always on the wrong side of the door and has trouble walking on a leash (though we're getting better!).  She's easily excited and loves to meet new people and other dogs.  She's hilarious and cute and I love her so much.

I found her on Craigslist back in November 2008.  There was a post about a Black Lab/St. Bernard puppy in Caro for $75.  No pictures in the post.  I emailed the man who had her, arranged for a day to look at her, and off Lee and I went.  We decided the we were just going to go to see if she was the right dog for us.  If not, we'd leave and keep searching, if we thought she was, we would discuss it and possibly take her home.  So, we drove the hour and a half to Caro, met the man who owned her, met Hazel and packed her and all of her food up.  Lee took one look at her and said, "Yep, she's the one!"  Haha, it was literally just like that.  I paid the man $50 (he said he just wanted a few bucks for the food, leash, collar, and first set of her shots) and we took off back home.  Since then she's been part of our lives.  It's like having a child that you can crate up while at work (if only it were that easy, I've have 40 kids right now!).

She's done eating the kernals, she's now staring out the window at people walking by.

She's really my little bundle of joy (as corney and odd as that sounds, seeing as how she's a dog and not an actual child).  And as just a little secret, she listens to me far more than she listens to Lee.  Hehe.  As Cesar would say, I am totally the pack leader, bitches!

That's all for now, I'll make another post soon about the other happenings around here another time.  :-)

-Lindsay

Today was a beautiful day as far as the weather was concerned.  It was sunny and warm.  I think it got into the high 40's.  IMHO anything below 50 degrees can kiss my ass.  I'm so ready for Spring.

Today was a day.  I worked at Shirlene's and we were surprisingly busy.  It was nice for a change, but I haven't been feeling 100% today.  I think I might be coming down with a cold, though nothing but a headache and a loss of taste has been troubling me.  Lee went out a while ago and got me Advil and a chocolate milk shake.  For a headache and PMS.  Yay.

There is an add for "Mod" clothing to the right of the box I'm typing in and the picture is absolutely hideous.  Why would anyone want to wear such ugly clothes?

Speaking of clothes, I need to get some new ones.  All of mine are stained, ripped, or too small/stretched out.  I'm tired of my lazy attire.  I feel like a bum all of the time.  I hate that getting new clothing is a luxury.

I'm getting a car tomorrow!  I'm really excited because I'm only paying $500 for a car that runs perfect.  I've been without a car for waaayyy too long now.  I am going to love this.

I really don't have much else to say.  Lee is downstairs with his cousins Charles, Amanda, and Josh playing video games.  Something with zombies I think.

Ok, bye.

Lindsay

Livejournal?  Whoa.

I haven't written in here in ages.  I supposed maybe I should?  I always seems like this time of the year I go back to writing my journals, however I always quit a few days into it.  I used to write every day about everything.  I used my Xanga for a long time to do that.  I think I might need something new.

Winter used to be my favorite time of the year.  I don't know who I was lying to.  It's cold, gray, and the roads are difficult to drive on.  I lose my motivation in the winter.  I always have huge expectations for ever winter season.  They never pull through.  I'm not sure what I'm waiting for.

I have finally saved enough money to return to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I have registered for two classes:  French 1 and Contemporary Art History.  I am SO.FREAKING.EXCITED!  I could only afford two classes, though I'm extremely proud of myself for being able to save enough for it.  Every night that I could afford it, I would give Darlene half of my tips to store away for me.  I saved $475 this summer.  Barb told me that she would match up to $1000 because she was proud of me.  I registered for French first and paid that off when I registered.  Barb told me last night to register for another one, so I did.  And she's going to pay for that.  French was $377 and Art History was $320.  So, I only owe $320 until tonight.  I really am so excited.

I'm not going to bomb this shit either.  I am in a situation right now that is going to provide me enough money to buy gas for school.  AH!

I also had an interview yesterday for the front desk at the H.  Third shift.  I've never worked a third shift job before, but I've scheduled my classes so that if I do get the job, I'll have time to sleep, study, and still have a little time to take care of everything around the house.  The interview went really well, so I have my fingers crossed that I'll be getting a call back soon.

Yay for things turning around.  Yay for life going alright for once.  Yay yay yay.  :)

-Lindsay

Life is...

Hard.


I'm tired of having to live it the way I have been and most likely will for the rest of my life.









Fucking sucks.

I've decided that Sundays will be my update days.  If I can remember.

So, Valentine's Day was good.  I worked all day and dealt w/ a lot of really nice customers and a few really mean ones.  I do wish that everyday was like Valentine's Day at Smith's because I was so busy.  I really love being busy at work.  There are very few things I dislike more than being bored at work and having a hard time even finding something to do to actually earn my pay check.  After work, Lee came over and I gave him his gift (a Jade plant) and he gave me my gift.  I didn't even expect to get a gift because we never discussed getting anything for each other.  He got me an iPod.  It's silver and can play movies.  And it's really small.  It looks like this: 

Except that I don't have Nelly Furtado on mine because she sucks.

I was really excited, partly because I didn't expect it and partly because I've wanted an iPod for a long time now.  So now, when I go back to school (note:  I said when, not if), I can listen to music I like when I'm working on projects instead of songs I'm sick of hearing (aka 102.5 WIOG).  I really am excited.

After we exchanged gifts, we went out to a really romantic dinner at Ponderosa.  Hahahaha.  My treat.  (It was really gross and I really would have rather had Red Lobster.)

The day after Valentine's Day, was my mom's birthday.  So, I took her some flowers and then watched Maddie while she, Dave, Grammy, Papa, Lauren, Dotty, Ron, and some other people went out to eat in Saginaw.  It was their annual "February Birthday's Dinner Night".  Maddie and I had fun playing games and watching TV.  When everyone came back to my mom's, they started drinking and I had to leave because I had to work Saturday morning.  Sucks.  I would have gotten trashed w/ them.  I guess they played Pictionary too.  :(  Lauren said I totally missed out.

And now I'm tired and kind of hungry and am so glad I had today off of work.  It was extremely nice to get to sleep in this morning.  I'm going to see if Lee will take me out to dinner tonight.  I don't feel like cooking.

<3, Lindsay

P.S.  I forgot how much I loved The Matrix.  Turn on AMC right now.  It's on.

Hi.  It's been a while.  And all I want to say really is what is on this postcard.  Because in all honesty, this is all I am thinking about right now.  So, here it is:



-Lindsay

Just a reminder to update w/ some thoughts when I get back from b-dubs...

There is good in the world.

EDIT-

It was a couple days ago when this happened, but I'm still thinking about it:

About a half an hour after I came home from work on Tuesday, my door bell rang.  When I answered the door, the lady down stairs in the wheel chair, who's name I still don't know, asked me if I owned the green van out front.  I said yes and she told me that I had left my lights on.  I thanked her and said, "Boy, it sure is nice of you to let me know.  I really appreciate it."  She said, "I like to do nice things for people because people have done so many nice things for me in the past."  I said, "That's a really great thing of you to do."  She said, "I like to help out when I can."  I then turned off my van lights and went back inside.  About 3 hours later my doorbell rang again, and when I answered it, the lady in the wheel chair was at my door again.  She said, "I just saw that your lights were on so I figured I'd come tell you to have a good night.  So, I hope you have a good night."

How often does that kind of thing happen anymore?  Since I've moved here (1 year and 3 months ago) I have only come across grumpy and really nosy people.  I suppose I haven't really tried to get to know my neighbors much because the majority of the people living around me are handicapped and aren't out of their homes often enough to run into.  However, this little act of kindness has recharged my hope in the world.  I've been inspired again to do nice things for people when they least expect it.

Another thing that I really love is that Smith's (P.S.  My new/2nd job) puts out of sign everyday w/ a name on it.  Today just so happened to be the name Sandy.  They change the sign every Monday and Thursday.  The way the sign works is that if your name is the name on the sign, you come in, pick out a rose, and you take it home for free.  Today I had 3 Sandy's come in.  And every single one of them said that they were having a mediocre day until they were driving by, saw their name, and stopped in.  Little things, even a free rose, brightens people's day.  I like that.


This week has been really great.  I had an interview at Smith's Flowers and Gifts on Monday and started the 2 seconds after the interview; I'm still getting a good amount of hours at Shirlene's; people seem to be extra nice lately; and it's starting to feel like Autumn finally.  I'm just so excited that life is going well.  It's been a while since I've had so many consecutive good days in a row.  I've been a little tired from working 9-3 and 5-10 the past 3 days, but it's been worth it.

I've even been waking up early enough to have a cup of coffee before I start getting ready.  That little bit of "me" time has helped  me start my day w/ a positive attitude.

I'm going to go get ready for work.

-Lindsay

P.S.  Have a good day/night.  :)

I would like a cigarette please.  It's been almost 9 days w/out one.  I'm still craving them and I'm not sure why.  I really thought I'd be over the cravings after a few days.

I think it's sad that a simple compliment is now considered "sucking up" to someone instead of what it is actually meant for:  just to try to make someone's day a little bit better.  I really do think it's kind of awful.

Everything is changing.  Life isn't sweet anymore.  I don't understand it.

"That's my sister.  Ain't nobody gonna hit my sister if they're not married to her."  I swear to God this was just said on Cops.  Wow.

I'm really sad.

I want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling, but it doesn't seem to work.

I think it's a lie that if you keep everything bottled up, it'll harm you more than it'll help.  Trying to talk to people that don't really want to listen is worse than keeping it to myself.

I've been off my Prozac for about a month now.  It was scaring me a lot, but now I think I want to go back on it.  I don't even know.

I'm really tired of feeling like this.  And nothing is going to fix it.  Honestly.  Nothing.  I've tried everything.

I want to start smoking again.  I am stressed.  I need a cigarette.  I don't want to gain 20lbs.  I want a 5 minute break at work.  I want a 5 minute break at home.  I want.I want.I want.

UGH.  Fuck this.

I quit smoking August 10th, 2007 at 10pm.  I honest to God haven't have even one drag of a cigarette since.  It's been over 48 hours now so the nicotine is out of my body.  All I have to conquer now is the mental part of the addiction.  I think I can do it.  Besides, Lee told me that when I make it to two weeks, he's going to buy me something nice.  :)

I really think I'd like to talk to the landlord about moving to a bottom floor apartment.  Maybe not.  I dunno.  I think it would be a lot easier, especially to haul groceries in, and maybe if I wanted to get a dog someday.  At least then I wouldn't have to walk it every time it had to go to the bathroom,  I could just let it outside on a chain-thing.  Maybe.  I probably wouldn't like having people stomp around above me though.  Either way, if I ever get a dog, I'm moving to a first floor apartment.  I also would be able to play DDR w/out feeling bad about bothering the people below me.  haha  I seriously think that that is my least favorite thing about being on the top floor.

Today is a really nice day.  It's cool outside (68F) and sunny.  This is what I wish all summer was like.  Maybe then I would like this season more.

I'm going to go start and finish my To Do list for today.  Have a good day.  :)

(I'm much more chipper than I was the past few days...quitting smoking is getting a little easier now.)

-Lindsay

(One of my favorite pictures from camping 7/07)  Me, Lee, and Travis

Fuck.  You.

Things have been so much better the last two days. Yesterday I hung out w/ Lisa and Josh at the Chef and she took pictures w/ her camera. I'll post a couple of them since LJ has now made a button for me to use to put pictures up. :)



I <3 my friends.

I haven't really been doing much w/ my time except work and sleep and occasionally hang out w/ friends.  Lee works a shit ton now (8am-5pm, 8pm-12am) so I don't see him as often as I wish I could.  We're still doing wonderfully though.  We've been dating for 1 year, 7 months, and a few days.  Haha  He's still the apple of my eye.

It's sort of funny that we've been dating for so long, and still some parts of our relationship feel new.  Well, kind of...I mean, we've always been really comfortable around eachother, it's just that when I think of him, talk to him, or am around him, I still get those little butterflies in my stomach like when we first started dating.  Things are just going really well.  We have far more ups than downs.

I'm still addicted to Pogo.  It's sad really.

I was at my mom's house today at 8:30 to watch Maddie, did my laundry while I was there, and just recently got home maybe a half an hour ago.  I work at 5 until about 10 tonight.

I'm going to take a short nap.  Bye.

:), Lindsay

I don't ever write in here anymore. I'm not sure why, I probably have a lot to say.

Everything is new. Nothing is not new.

I'll write a longer entry later.

Here's a picture taken not too long ago to satisfy all of your needs.



Lauren and I, June 23rd, 2007

-Lindsay

Baidens had to be put to sleep today because he was really sick.

I just thought everyone would want to know that I love him a lot and really wish I could have helped him. You can pray and tell him that you hope he's enjoying Heaven if you want. He'll probably "Prrrow."


I <3 you Aiden.



Lauren took this in her room yesterday.

So, I figured it was about time for a new entry.

Since my last update w/ subtance, the following has happened:

I turned 20.

Yes, I did. I'm not a teen anymore and it feels kind of weird. The oddest part about it actually happened today. My birthday was the 24th of September, however today someone asked me how old I was at work and when I was about to reply w/ 19, I had to stop and think and say, "Holy shit, I'm 20." Because I am. And holy shit, that means I should be getting more mature and things like that.

Besides this though, nothing really new has happened. I've been thinking a lot about random things. I have a lot of time to think, unfortunatly. I work 5pm-close at Shirlene's for the majority of my days and Lee works 8am-4pm Mon-Fri. That leaves me w/ a lot of time to myself. Not that I don't like time to myself...however it is nice to have company sometimes. Especailly Lee's company.

I'm kind of sick. I have a not-so-dry cough and a sore throat. It isn't really all that bad, so I'm hoping it'll go away on it's own very soon.

Um, I know there was a reason I was updating...but I think I forgot it. Maybe I'll remember it tomorrow or something. I'm going to go to bed.

Night.

<3, Lindsay

OMG.

Notpron is taking over my life.

Arg.

And I'm only on level 10.

I have 2 minutes to quickly give an update about my life as of late before I get ready for work:

Life has been going well.

Last weekend Lee and I went to Ferris to visit his friends. I met so many nice and interesting people. :) It really was one of the best weekends of my life. If I knew how to post pictures on LJ, I totally would because Alyssa took a bunch and I stole them and put them on my computer. Maybe I'll try to figure it out later.

Aaaaand, my two minutes are up. HAHA I'll update again after work or tomorrow afternoon or something.

<3, Lindsay